Varney the Vampire goes to Prison for Being Irrelevant
by Penutsonfire
Summary: Remember Varney the Vampire? No? Well then, you are the reason this story is happening!


Varney the vampire was just a regular, ordinary vampire, just like you and me. However, like all vampires, he had one fatal flaw... irrelevancy!

On day, varney the vampire was walking about in his house, as he was very bored not being cared about by the rest of the world. One of the other people living in his mansion, who goes by the name of Master Fulwick, approached him. He was probably the only person who knew that Varney was still even alive.

"Mister Varney, aren't you supposed to be dead after killing yourself in Mt. Vesuvius? I mean that's a pretty brutal death, don't you think?" said Master Fulwick

Varney replied, as he usually had to do because nobody cared about what happened to him after 1850.

"If you'd actually cared about me in any capacity, you'd know that I only faked my death and escaped to the manor where you live now. I expect to make my big comeback any day now." said Varney. You can lie to me Varney, but can you lie to yourself like that?

"I'm sorry to inform you Varney, but nobody currently remembers you even exist, as your crummy books were published over 150 years ago." said Master Fulwick.

"No, I can still be cool, vampires are still cool, right?" said Varney. No, they aren't, by the way.

"whatever you say, mister Varney, as long as you pay the rent." said Master Fulwick. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Varney pays rent to Master Fulwick, who is the landlord.

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

"who is it?" sang Varney as he spun gleefully towards the door. However, what waited on the other side was not pleasant.

"Hello, this is the police, are you Varney the Vampire?" said a police officer.

"Yes, what seems to be the issue." asked Varney

"Yes, you are under arrest for being completely irrelevant." said the Police, busting out a pair of cuffs. I told you Varney would be in some serious troubles.

"What? I am not irrelevant!" said Varney, still in denial

"Yes you are, and the law states that when nobody cares about you anymore, you are officially a waste of space for the government and must go to prison." said the Police, attempting to cuff the Vampire

"No, I'm not irrelevant! It's just that nobody wants to look at me because I am ugly." said Varney, finally getting something right.

Varney began to fight back against the Police. He then got hit by a taser from the police officer and beaten into a mild coma, before being sent strait to prison, because nobody cared enough about him to put him on trial.

When varney woke up, he was in a prison cell. It was one specifically made for irrelevant characters who denied their own sad existence.

Varney began to cry at the fact he was in prison, not that he was irrelevant like he should be. As he was crying, a hand touched his back. Varney got nervous.

"Hey bud, is this your first day here?" spoke a voice unfamiliar to the aged Vampire

Varney nodded in silence, to sad to speak of his own torment.

"No need to fear, I know what its like being completely irrelevant too." said the Noid, the once famous mascot for domino's Pizza

Varney looked around the room at the other irrelevant characters standing beside the Noid. He saw Felix the Cat, Spyro the Dragon, Annoying orange, and sonic the Hedgehog.

"Who are all of you jokers? You think you have some sort of legacy? I am famous and you jerks are a bunch of losers. I can't believe me, the famous Varney the Vampire, has to share a room with the likes of you?" said Varney in a fit of self denial and rage. This, however was a bad mistake.

"Oh yeah? You think you can treat us like that, Garlic breath? We'll show you a lesson, old man!" said the Noid.

Then, the gang of irrelevant characters beat up Varney severely and brutally. In fact, this happened every night Varney returned to his cell, which made Varney very scared to return to his cell. Although if he didn't, he would have to endure the beatings the prison guards gave him, which were much worse.

Varney just had to endure the beatings given to him, often growing numb and falling asleep after his brain grew accustomed to the feeling of pain. Varney had to adapt to the world of misery and tortured he brought upon himself for being irrelevant.

Soon Varney the Vampire couldn't take it anymore, he had to do something drastic. However, as he was planning to carry out his plan, he was approached by a prison guard.

"hey, you can go free, mr. Vampire guy. Sorry I forgot your name." said the prison guard

"W-what? Why? I thought I was irrelevant and deserved this punishment." Varney said, now willing to admit the fact that nbody liked him. See what benefits prison provides?

"well, you've grown quite famous for taking beatings like you do, so people actually kind of know who you are now." said the prison guard, opening Varney's cell

"Yes, I'm finally free! This torment will finally come to an end!" said Varney. Don't speak too soon Varney, your punishment isn't finished yet!

Varney figured out soon that his fame had come at a dreadful cost. People only cared about him because of the fact that he could endure savage beatings. So, in order to stay relevant and out of prison, he had to be publicly beaten by his landlord, Master Fulwick, for a few hours a day. In addition, he also needed to work 48 hours a week so he could pay for his rent, so he was unable to fall asleep.

The moral of the story is, be careful, the price of fame is steep!

THE END


End file.
